Diddy is my Grandmother.





No seriously, she is. Her actual name is Dorothy but Diddy was what people called her long before a certain rapper/music producer thought it was a good idea. In fact he probably copied her.

Anyways, Diddy (a.k.a. Grannie) turned 90 years old this weekend. Can you imagine? I think it’s terrific and the ol’ pistol still doesn’t miss a beat. If you tell her a funny joke she’ll have a good laugh then tell you one right back. If you tell her a bad one she’ll tell you how bad it was and advise you not to quit your day job.

She is a hardcore Brit and even looks a bit like queen, only she’s older. She thinks everything is better in England. She had seven rotten kids, of which my dad was the second last. Those kids had tons of useless children of their own, including yours truly. I however, am an only child because once my parents took a gander at my ugly mug they decided that they had already done enough damage to society and stopped reproducing immediately.

Grannie is one hell of a lady though. She watches Corronation Street daily and once shot down a German WW II fighter jet during her time in the British Army. Cool eh? She loves tea and biscuits and when we go out for dinner she orders steak. When her plate arrives with her steak on it the whole thing is covered in blood. She is the only person I know who orders her steak blue rare and it make me both sick and proud at the same time.

This weekend we went to the Mandarin to celebrate her 90 spins around the sun and she barely ate because she didn’t want to mess up her Weight Watchers.

I know what you’re thinking and I agree.

Why the hell does a 90 year old woman, who shot down a Nazi bomber, birthed 7 children, is a grandmother, a great grandmother and even a great-great-grandmother give a flying fuck how much she weighs?

 I don’t honestly know the answer to that one, because I think she looks great. What I do know is that I have no doubt the old battleaxe will make it to a hundred and be around to hold my no-good puppies when I decide to settle down and have some.