Sunshine and cleavage

I have been absent. I was going to apologize to the two people who are going to read this, but have since voted it down in the name of ego preservation. Apologizing excessively is a sign of weakness, and while I am little more than a soft baby lamb, I refuse to represent myself as anything less than a ferocious Liger.

A Liger you say? Scary, you have lost your mind. Those don’t exist. They are a figment of Napoleon Dynamite’s bizarre imagination - and now it seems - of yours. And I say to you, you silly bastard, you are wrong. The do exist.  There is one, the biggest one of all as a matter of fact, in Miami. I haven’t seen him in person but his name is Hercules and I read about him on the pages of tourist book found in my Miami hotel room this weekend.



It was a fabulous liitle tryst with the art deco city paid for by my good friends at Bacardi. Now you are probably saying: Crap on a cracker! Scary, why do you get to go to Miami and Bacardi pays for it? And I say to you: I get to go because the only thing better than wearing a Liger suit is being me! Ha!

Okay seriously though, Bacardi flew me to Miami because I’m “the press” and they had an event that they wanted covered. It was a VIP tasting of the top ten cocktails and culinary creations that chefs and bartenders from cruise lines and ferries across the globe created this year using Bacardi. It was super rad.

The tasting happened at a very posh restaurant called the Forge. It has survived a fire, several hurricanes and me. It has the most extensive (and expensive) wine collection in the Southeast outside of a few ridiculously wealthy private collectors. It also two rows of wine dispensing machines that look like slots... my kinda place!

In Miami, even the plastic ladies get agmented. It's the thing to do.

After I and 11 other experts judged the food and the drinks Bacardi opened up the bar and we drank a lot more drinks. I made friends with a Bacardi girl who was totally stunning and had never seen snow. She wants to be an actress. Later we went clubbing at a club that smelled like drugs. Literally, the place reeked of chemicals and sent me directly into a flashback from the rave-days...whoa. I met two other pretty girls who also wanted to be actresses... I think. Truthfully I don’t know but I think that in New York, Miami and L.A., that’s pretty much the standard aspiration for young attractive females.

Everyone in Miami has fake boobs so I fit right in. Only my fakies are literally half the size of everyone else’s and my hair is way shorter than the standard tousled Latina coif.  So I really stood out. It was the first night I really displayed my new friends outside of the home and I’m pretty pleased with the photos taken.

Thanks Bacardi – I love you and your superior range of firewater. You never cease to intoxicate me.

Men in tights.

I love the UFC. Love it. Boxing on the other hand, I dislike rather strongly. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that has something to do with hotness that that most of the young men who participate in the sport simply exude. I love everything about UFC. I love the pre-fight hype, the TV specials the night before detailing the histories of the various gents on the card the following evening. I love how everyone asks everyone what they're doing for the fight. I love my trip to the LCBO on saturday afternoon to get my fight-night beverages and I love when those lovely, angry, and often tattooed specimens of testosterone manifest leap out of their respective corners and try to dismember one another before the bald guy rings the bell. 

Vomit inducing isn't it?

I can even look past the ear deformation that a lifetime of being dummied eventually causes.... ah yes, the cauliflower. I can turn a blind eye to the nasty ear... while my good eyes darts back and forth between the biceps, the pectorals, the glutes, the abs and the extensive network of muscles that make up the jaw-dropping, drool-summoning back of the well trained UFC fighter. 

But see what I mean about the various muscles groups? AWESOME...totally makes up for the gross ears, in most cases.

yum.



p.s. FUCK YOU KOSCHEK

Disagreements and flying vegetables.

I am sort of unstable

You know that it’s true

Cuz I threw some frozen veggies at you (well, beside you, but ya….still bad)

I’m a tad insecure

You know it’s a fact

Yes I’m preoccupied with the size of my rack

I am a bit selfish

But aren’t we all?

It seems one day we soar and the next day we fall

We're a bit overwhelmed

At home and at work

It's fair to say both of us can be real jerks

I am really sorry

I swear this is true

But I’m only sorry if you’re sorry too

Boob jobs hurt.

I realize it’s been more than a full week since I wrote something here and I said I’d do it as soon as I could. I thought it would be fun to chronicle my experience with plastic surgery and that somehow it would be easy. Well, I was wrong about that.

Last Friday I went into a North York clinic, lay down on a table and was put to sleep by a guy with a Movember moustache. Over the next 1.5 hours a well qualified, albeit young, doctor fitted me with 220 cc of silicone and stitched me up beautifully. I woke up crying not from the pain but from the sheer confusion that accompanies being put under. The pain came about 30 seconds later and left me writhing on a gurney begging deliriously for meds, which were given to me immediately and kicked in pretty fast too.

I can’t say how much time passed between ingesting the two white pills and getting wheeled out to the car but it couldn’t have been much more than an hour.

 My breasts look good already. The first few days they looked weird and stuck-on. Incredibly, they have already begun to settle into a more aesthetic position from the abnormally high and somewhat unnatural placement that implants initially receive.

To say the last week has been an emotional rollercoaster might be an understatement. I have learned about everything from the ability of painkillers to make you hurl if you don’t eat with them, to the frustration that accompanies not being able to lift anything over five pounds or wash one’s own hair. I have been lonely and sick of everyone in the same day. I have woken up unable to move my arms or sit up and I have had to sleep on my back since last Friday. 

On the opposite side of that coin, I have learned that I have amazing friends who bring me flowers, trashy celebrity gossip and support, plus a patient boyfriend who deserves some sort of medal right about now for putting up with my unpredictable moods and constant requests for him to find my lip balm, pills, slippers etc.

An example of the fine literature that has been keeping me occupied of late

I have left the house a few times but not for long. The new weight on my front end has led to back pain typically conjured in the minds of the money hungry clients of William Mattar (Hurt in car? Call William Mattar!)

My kitten has kept me good company and has stepped right on my INSANELY sensitive nipples more than once, promptly reminding me that I’ve had surgery – just in case I happen to have put it out of my mind.

All in all, I can say the whole thing went well. I have only one more day off after today then it’s back to work, back to the real world with my new attachements… which I still wish were bigger!

Sqeaks and gurgles.

I haven't had a drink in seven days. Now for most of your 'normals' out there who find daily existence tolerable without the rose coloured glasses created by a few litres of wine, I bet that sounds like nothing. For people like me, it sucks. I have certainly not abstained all this time for no reason though. I have done it (begrudgingly) because alcohol thins the blood and I can't have thin blood tomorrow when I drive to North York to get  my chest fillet'd and stuffed with round bags of gel, for which I have paid handsomely.

I'm getting a little nervous now that the day is so near, but that apprehension is mixed with a lot of excitement that I finally quit bitching about how flat chested I am and decided to (wo)man-up and do something about it.

Either way I'm about as prepared as you can get. 

It is my inherent nature as a journalist to research the shit out of everyone and everything in my life. If information is a drug then I am a degenerate addict. I know exactly which items I'll need at arm's length during the first 48 or so hours to ensure that my discomfort is kept to a minimum. I have lip balm, moisutizer, pre-selected books, magazines, movies, pillows galore, comfy slippers and  loose fitting silk (front button) pjs. I have people to help me up and to the bathroom where t.p. is stacked right next to the can - plus hair ties, soft food, a thermometer and frozen peas for ice packs. Oh yah, and we mustn't forget the selction of pharmacueticals I'll be prescribed to make the world all fluffy and pink.

In addition to all this, I have thoroughly educated myself on some things to expect from recovery. The list of lovely reactions I can (and will) enjoy include, but are not limited to:

 

- nausea                                          

- swelling  

- pain  

- bruising     

- difficulty sleeping (from the pain) 

- mood swings (from pain meds)                                          

- innablity to properly bathe for approx. 5 days (eeeew)

- loss of sensitivity (temporary...phew)

- over-sensitivity (a.k.a nippons)

- squeaks and gurgles.... UMMMM SORRY?

"Do not be alarmed if you hear gurgling, buzzing, or crackling noises coming from your augmented breasts. These noises may result from fluid build-up or air bubbles within the implant pocket."        

www.breastimplants4u.com

That's right kiddies. It is not uncommon for your newbies to make noise as they settle.... sorta like a new house. Amazing.

So, there you have it! Isn't this fun? You probably won't see any posts from me for a few days. I doubt I'll be ranting on here or creeping my 'friends' on facebook or even touching my laptop at all in the beginning, but I promise to post about the outcome of this surgical adventure just as soon as possible.

You know, just in case anyone is reading this.

 

Cohabitation. The constant irritation.

Living with another human being is a daily test of patience and a feat of self-control. Recently my significant other (boyfriend to be exact, I wear no rings) and I decided not only to move in with one another, but to become home owners as well. I knew it would be difficult. I knew that men and women are from different planets thanks to a cleverly titled book that people often refer to when attempting to verbalize the countless discrepancies between the genders. What I didn’t realize however, was that our planets were in alternate universes and we are really not even of the same species.

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”  ~Katharine Hepburn

Now this lady had it bang on. I have learned from my three months of co-habitation that there are moments and hours and sometimes even days at a time where the company of that certain opposite-sex-someone is fabulous. You can talk and laugh and appreciate each other’s endearing quirks and the small yet considerate things they do for you each day. Sometimes, one can even find oneself warming up to those cute little habits like leaving wet towels on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink and making a spectacle of digestive gases.

Then comes the moment, the hour, the day: when you want to hit them in the face. You don’t of course. That would be bad. But you want to. And when you close your eyes and think about it, or about getting in your car and driving to the nearest watering hole where untold shots glasses of sweet sweet release are beckoning to you from beyond the bar, it makes you smile. If only for a moments before you open your peepers, see him (or her, but for the purposes of this rant I’ll use the masculine) sitting unshaven on the couch in sweatpants, playing that fucking Call of Duty game next to three empty cans of Bud, a bowl of chips and two granola bar wrappers.

This is hardly a crime I know. There is nothing wrong with grown men playing video games, or so they repeatedly assert. I suppose he could have a far worse habit like prostitutes or crack. But I get all mental just the same when he sits and stares at that glowing rectangle in the living room for hours on end while I run about like an ADD kid cleaning the damn house.  I have no doubt that my tendencies irk him in much the same manner. In fact, I know this because he tells me all the time. I’m a bit of a nag, it’s true.

So, ummm, is the visit over yet? Can I go back to my sanctuary next door now with a big glass of wine and re-stock my depleted supply of kindness and tolerance? Not quite.

Last year I lived at home and my parents drove me nuts. I would go to my boyfriend’s house to escape and bitch about them until I felt better. Now, when upset and frustrated by living with this creature I cannot begin to understand, I drive to the house I fled just 90 days ago to sit with my once unbearable parents, watching a smile spread across their faces as I whine childishly about my insignificant problems….

Much like I’ve just done here.

My humps.

Psssssst.

Now that we’re friends I think I want to tell you a little secret. Make sure nobody is listening….ok….you ready? Here it comes……

I’m getting a boob job.

Now before you go telling me that I look fab just the way I am and that plastic surgery is for strippers please hear me out.  Some girls hate their crooked noses and others despise their Oprah arms. There are redhead girls covered in freckles who aren’t too crazy about the hand they were dealt and there are even girls with an affliction quite the opposite of mine, who actually have mammaries so robust that they get in the way.  We all have something that we would like to fix.

I have always been self-conscious about lack of endowment, not because I want to look like Pamela or because I think that getting stared at is some kind of validation. And trust me, if there was an exercise you could do or a food you could eat to convince a post-pubescent body to sprout breasts, I would have them by now. It just doesn’t work that way.

 I just want to buy a bikini without first checking to see that it is sufficiently padded. I want to wear a strapless dress without a strapless bra. I just want boobs. Not huge boobs, just boobs. And now I’m getting what I want through the miracle of modern medicine.  Brilliant.



I'll be kissing my AA-cup goodbye



My boyfriend (bless his heart) is taking a whole week off work to ‘take care of me’. He has a weak stomach and I’m pretty sure there’s going to be some icky bandage changing involved so it might actually be comical (for me) in addition to being intensely painful.  He was wary of the whole process at first, but is becoming increasingly excited at the prospect of fondling me post-op.



I have had other women reply with everything from “I went to work the next day” to “I couldn’t f***ing move for two weeks” when asked about recovery. I’m in decent shape and don’t smoke I’m hoping my experience is more like anonymous quote #1.

BooB countdown: B-minus 09 DAYS